Enjoy the Day

I highly recommend this blog. I’ve found it informative and thoughtful and very encouraging in my own meditation and spiritual practice.

http://deconstructingyourself.com/meditation-%E2%80%94-why-deconstruction.html

In addition I want to write a bit about my experiences since I constructed and posted this website/blog a few days ago. Of course anticipation is three quarters of gratification and in this case maybe more! I was hoping, (in my private fantasy- blog- world) that the construction of a site that holds most of my writing for the past 18-20 years would be met with excitement and attention! Of course this is totally unrealistic and I, of all people, know exactly how much content there is out here in the Wild West Internet! I posted a warning about stealing my work and upon re-reading this felt it to be quite severe in tone, but then I have to cut myself slack. I have been stolen from before and in a very public way! It was a terrible experience and it is on shaky ground that I post the fruits of my lifetime’s creative journey on line. It demands some element of universal trust, but it also presupposes a kind of human trust as well, and we know these days that is in short supply.

Be that as it may, my need to both collect all my work into one space and to share my work with others trumps my fear of being plagiarized, although the latter fear is still there. That said, I sent selected friends a link to the blog, perhaps 30 or so people I know and are on Facebook, and received only one reply. This was quite discouraging. I also posted my link on my Facebook page with very little response one way or the other. I also know that posting unfinished work, (novels, plays, TV pilot etc) was probably not my best shot, but I also feel that if a potential editor or publisher tunes into the site he/she may find a novel or play or TV pilot in progress interesting and decide to discuss possibilities.

So, if I am totally honest with myself I have to admit that my main desire is for this site to be a marketing tool for my work and, as such, attract a potential buyer for my so-called wares. I am not interested in self publishing or going the route of Amazon or other self marketing sites. I need the collaboration and gloss of a professional editor who loves and believes in my work; I need an advance from a Publishing House to pay my bills, to support some aspect of my extremely reduced lifestyle and maybe pay back my $130,000 in student loans? At the very LEAST, I need a Publishing House with a reputation, a respected list of writers and the capability of paying for my book tour and marketing.  Please don’t jump in and tell me everyone wants this and it is well nigh impossible; I already know this. I still want it. I think my body of work warrants it and I am holding out until I get it. This may mean I don’t get published at all during my lifetime. After all, I am already 65–the odds are against me, right? But I believe in holding fast to some dreams, not all, not even many, but one or two that you feel are really an important part of who you are, and being a writer is an essential component of my core identity. I have been doing this since age eight and will probably continue until I am unable to do so, for whatever reasons.

I was told in graduate school that I had a “singular voice” and many professors felt it best not to tamper with it. I never heard anyone say it quite as directly to me as this, but now I understand this is true. Those of us with singular voices and a willingness to go into scary and dangerous places with our work may find ourselves left out in the cold for a while, but I believe in time, good work will surface somehow. I am hopeful that my work is good and that it pleases or at least challenges or interests those who venture into this space.  I do know that I am a person who is relentless and unflinching when dealing with getting underneath the veneer of social niceties and really going into those dark and dirty spaces of human interaction.

I am not a pessimist, in fact quite the opposite. I believe in evolvement and I am sure that if we can continue to survive as a species after this difficult earth-wide transition we are going through, our species will enjoy a golden age of amazing consciousness, awareness and healing, corny as that sounds. Now, contrast that deep feeling I have with my work! It is truly a dichotomy for which I have no explanation. My work makes people cringe, I’ve been told,many stories create some discomfort. All well and good. I give myself permission to go into the writing process with full trust in the ability to put my conscious mind to the side (during a first draft) and allow the energy to flow through. The result is often unpacking all manner of possible scenarios that I would never entertain in my own daily life!

I am loving the journey and I hope you do too.

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